Fan Culture will Hate Itself: Lady GaGa to star in Doctor Who!!1!!ZOMG!!1

It’s been reported in the Daily Star, The Telegraph and even on a website in India, Lady GaGa is to appear in Doctor Who!

Except…

Except, she’s not is she? This is the least feasible story ever and feels like someone has just taken me up on my Doctor Who Press Release kit. Gareth Roberts has appeared in the July Issue of Doctor Who Magazine discussing his latest script for the show which is due to co-star James Corden. Discussing his previous draft for the upcoming ep, Roberts suggested that the script may one day resurface as Big Finish project (a series of audio plays starring the 5^th, 6^th, 7^th and 8^th Doctors) or Lady GaGa doing it because she’ll need the work.

The brilliant/face palm thing is that the Daily Star et al have taken his exact quote and, despite it reeking of sarcasm even when separated from the rest of the interview, have reported it as absolute FACT! With a capital F and a capital ACT and a lowercase arse.

From the Daily Star:

The star, 24, has already sported costumes which resemble Cybermen, Yeti, Ood and Tree People.

And scriptwriter Gareth Roberts revealed he has already come up with a storyline that would see The Doctor (Matt Smith, 27) go GaGa.

Gareth told Doctor Who magazine: “The script might end up on screen one day with Lady GaGa, who will have fallen on hard times.”

In a way it’s fantastic. Right down to pointing out that Lady GaGa dresses weirdly and, ergo, should be in Doctor Who. As they suggest, she could be a Cyberman, Yeti, Ood or a horrific, highly popular, more-iconic-than-the-Daleks, Tree Person…

Ah yes, the Tree People, a race of trees that resemble people, or are they people that resemble trees? Truly that is the mystery of their race. Either way, they burn up a treat. It’s fair to say that whoever wrote the article thought ‘’Ang on! There were tree people in that episode with Billie Piper. Lady GaGa looks like a twig. Yeah, I’ll whack that down’.

So, if you’re a blogger looking for info on this story or a tabloid hack, please allow me to be one of many to tell you that you are talking arse.

(I am very aware that there is a good chance that I could be misquoted and later this week you will see the headline, Lady GaGa to Play Talking Arse.)

Fan Culture Will Hate Itself: Season Finales

Warning: The following article contains spoilers to the shows Ashes to Ashes and Lost.

So, it’s the start of a new week and the end of two popular sci-fi shows. Namely Lost and Ashes to Ashes. Both have spent several series layering twist and turn upon twist and turn till everything came out a bit twisty and turny. Like the scoreboard from new faces.

And how did they both resolve their storylines? With a big dollop of death.

Nothing like death to trim a few storyline threads you’ve got hanging off your immaculate story suit which was made by the story tailor in story lane in story town…

I’m drifting.

In the case of Ashes to Ashes, Alex discovered that she had been dead since she was shot trying to save her daughter in series one and that Gene, a 45 year misogynist who turned out to be the spirit of a 19 year old copper, was simply there to guide her from this life to the next. All rather touching and guessed by pretty much the entire fan community, most of whom will have had their grannies down as a wager as soon as John Simm’s monologue was over Life on Mars.

Lost also went for the death motif by suggesting that a number of scenes in the final series were in fact the main characters reliving their lives in a style of their choosing before going over to the other side. Apparently, when you die you’ll be able to relive the favourite moments of your life. Even if that moment is being stuck on an island with a shadowy organisation, polar bears, no way of escaping and only the prospect of eating Hurley to give you comfort.

Both finales have been met with the usual ‘OMG!!1 IT WAZ MAZING’ vs ‘I could write better. I have already written a 12 page synopsis which I have sent to the BBC in the hopes that they will sit up and take notice’.

Angry Ashes to Ashes fans seem to be upset primarily because they had already predicted the ending back in series 2 and certain Lost fans are grumbling because they didn’t predict how the show was going to end. So, it’s really turned into one of those ‘dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t’ moments.

This all in all makes you feel a bit sorry for Steve Moffat. In a month’s time, the new showrunner will be placing the final two episodes of his first series of Doctor Who at our feet and hoping we don’t kick him whilst he’s down there kneeling.

Whilst a few papers *cough* Daily Mail *cough splutter* have been more than vocal about this latest series of Doctor Who, it’s worth noting that overall it’s been pretty consistent. Steve, like RTD before him, has made some bold choices in terms of directors, writers and actors. Yes, with Rory on board the TARDIS, it does seem like it’s in danger of becoming Scooby Doo, but it is holding together despite the prospect of James Cordan on the horizon.

So, with the Pandorica still to be opened, Rory and Amy yet to be married and the crack in time getting ever bigger is Moffat going to be able to end it all satisfactorily? Not a snowball chance in Hell. Whatever he has written will not be good enough to the over-zealous fan boy, who will take great pleasure in letting everyone else know how the story should have ended. Despite RTD and Moffet being very open about how they collaborated on a few ideas before the series started so that it could be linked with last years specials, there will be cries of ‘RESET’ and ‘Doctor Who 1963-2010’ when the final credits roll. Some fans will blame Karen Gillan’s legs whilst others will lament that it hasn’t been the same since Adric died. Some fans will be hated and crucified for loving the finale and those who hated it will be treated the same. Some will convoluted ideas about how the DoctorDonna should break through his dimension with Rose in tow and help the 11^th Doctor. Some fans are just born idiots.

So, can I put forward the thesis that we end the war now and save millions of lives. When it’s all said and done, let’s just be happy that we’re that little group of 8-80 year olds who take 45 minutes of their lives each week to enjoy some escapism and, though sometimes the execution can be a little bit off-kilter, the heart and the imagination is still there as it was with Hartnell, Pertwee, Troughton and Baker.

Except in Victory of the Daleks.

That was fucking awful.

Seriously.

Ad’s All Folks/Fan Culture will Hate Itself: New Doctor Who Trailer

Lying on the ground of Hampstead Heath, staring at the stars, in complete defiance of the traditional act of dogging normally found the Heath, the Doctor and, new non-Rose companion, Amy Pond choose their next adventure… It’s a simple start to an advert that wears its budget on its sleeve. Lots of swirly colours, floating Daleks and grinning creatures ensure that those in the audience wearing 3D glasses are in for an awe inspiring 40 seconds. Okay, so showing a 3D advert on the BBC to advertise the new series of its flagship show on a medium often associated with being quite flat did give the whole proceedings an air of watching Jaws 3D when the shark explodes, but it was still an opportunity to see more of Matt Smith as the new Doctor.

But what do the fans think? Well, not a lot really. There are already cries of it not fitting into Doctor Who continuity. A 45 year old poster has spoken on behalf of the 8-15 year old target audience decrying the trailer as nothing but tosh. So angry was he, that he had no time for spelling or grammar.

Okay: “if” Amy didn’t know who he was: why was she lying on Hampstead heath looking up at the stars with him asking him what certain stars were? Why crack the joke that all RTD critics have hated in it’s repetitiousness for the last five years? Why have a promising looking earthshock…followed by a lone dalek and some seriously out of place Weeping Angels, one of which could have got Amy because it was behind her…and as for the blue back drop…it was just a bit CBBC – now the head at the end was new and the “Smiler” was there but almost ignored…it’s not a question of arguing over it being a teaser or a trailer: it’s just being diappointed in the quality of what we were given…no extrapolations on the series can be made from it but it clearly wasn’t a good way to introduce the viewing public to MT/SM’S era in my opinion when an audience of floating viewers waiting for Lets Dance were around – looked just like the sort of CBBC trailer that airs before “Eastenders” most nights….

And thank God he did speak out against this 40 second piece of propaganda. It’s been widely known amongst the fan community that since its reboot, Doctor Who has been purposely morphed from its traditional adult themes of time travel and robot dogs, to something resembling a family show aimed squarely at everyone outside of the continuity picking bracket. As a Doctor Who fan myself, I find it tough to swallow the BBC’s incessant need to distance itself from thought provoking drama and pour money into a show that may as well be called Queer As Folk series 3. The special effects are shoddy, the acting appalling and, in some cases, it all comes across a little too cheesy and childish. The following is just a number of instances where in the last five years, Russell T Davies has pissed on the corpse of William Hartnell. I only present them here so Steven Moffett can learn from them and quickly amend any problems before the new series in March.

1)    The 2009 episode ‘Robot’ found the Doctor and his companion Sarah Jane (God when will we see the last of her!), taking on the might of a giant robot. The worse part about this whole episode are the special effects. How are we supposed to realistically accept that Sarah Jane has been kidnapped by a Robot when she’s clearly CGI. If I wanted to cry at a bunch of 1s and 0s, I’d watch fucking Avatar.

2)    Russell ran a competition on Blue Peter for one lucky winner to design a bad guy for Doctor Who. The winning result was this:

Eventually played by Alan Carr, this episode served to show that Russell had completely lost the plot.

3)    With a new doctor came a new outfit and it wasn’t long before the fans were in a fevered rage only reserved for Gary Glitter and war. The image below shows how RTD’s gay agenda was in full effect. In a style that was later dubbed ‘geek chic’, the Doctor looked every inch the kind of person who appreciates the work of Van Gogh… If you catch my meaning.

Ooh, hello Mary!

4)    Russell was well known for trying to be overtly politically correct and this was never more obvious than in this clip taken from 2005’s Talons of Weng Chiang.

Fuck off Russell, you Guardian reading ponce!

5) David Tennant’s portrayal of the Doctor took a battering over the last few years and quite rightly so. As we see in this trailer for 2007’s The Time Meddler, David chooses to portray the Doctor as a crotchety old man who fumbles his lines! A long way away from the train punching Doctor we hardcore fans have come to love. Where’s the moodiness? Where’s the darkness? We expected more! Heck, we deserved more.

6)    Another example of Russell’s need to inject his lifestyle into the show can be seen in the opening sequence. Look hard enough and you’ll see the Doctor wink. Wink, for Christ’s sake. We all know the kind of people who like to wink. The same kind of people who like to read the Daily Mail in the dark… If you catch my meaning.

7)    Finally, just when we thought it safe, RTD gave us the 10^th Doctor’s final episode. And what a mess it was. The entire thing was set on Earth, John Simm returned as the Master for what could quite possibly be the campest portrayal of the criminal genius and to add insult to injury, how did the doctor die? Not in the hail of bullets we would have all liked that’s for sure. Instead, RTD’s constant hints of ‘The Doctor falls off a satellite’ turned out to be nothing more engrossing than the Doctor falling off a satellite.

Steve, if you have any ounce of dignity, you’ll listen to the fans, take note of the points above and give us a Doctor we want. One that justifies why we argue with 16 year old kids on forums whilst our wives file for divorce.

Tardis Interior

Those of you who visit Blogtor Who regularly will already be aware that someone has braved the rabid dogs of set security and obtained a few pictures of the brand spanking new Tardis interior. The images in question can be found by clicking here.

Those of you who don’t visit Blogtor Who regularly may not be aware that someone has braved the rabid dogs of set security and obtained a few pictures of the brand spanking new Tardis interior. The images in question can be found by clicking here.

For me, there’s not much to say. After all the hype that it would be bringing back the old skool days of this:

I can’t help but feel it’s exactly the same as last series, but with a staircase… Still, it’s got me intrigued.

Oh and apparently there’s some christmas specials this year with the Tenth Doctor, but I don’t think anyone is that bothered.

Oh the Tales I Could Tell…

I'm in Doctor Who don'cha know... Honest.

When I wrote the Instant Doctor Who press release, I racked my brains trying to think of the least likely people who would be suggested to appear in Doctor Who. Clearly I didn’t think hard enough because had I done so, I may have predicted Mike Skinner from music’s popular The Streets.

At some point in the last 48 hours, the cheeky chappy, who encouraged us all to push things forward, put up on his twitter account that he was going to be appearing in Doctor Who. A few moments later he took down the status with a nod to The Usual Suspects – ‘And like that, the Tweet is deleted’.

Already some website sites are saying that Mike has confirmed he will be in Doctor Who and some forums have now treated the news with the same seriousness that warrants the financial crisis or swine flu.

It could all be true. Maybe Doctor Who needs one more person pretending to be cockney, but it seems to this humble writer that Mr Skinner, like a dialysis machine, is taking the piss. As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, the internet, whilst a fantastic forum for chicken vindaloo recipes and porn, is also an amazingly cheap and fast way to spread rumours. After all the furore of Lily Allen’s phantom appointment to Doctor Who, it wouldn’t surprise me if Mr Skinner had one too many and decided to see how quickly his ‘news’ could sweep across the internet.

And to be honest, if this is a scam, I don’t blame him for doing it. Yes, I’m not a big fan of people taking the slightest bit of Doctor Who gossip seriously, but I do happen to have a penchant for spreading untrue rumours myself. Back in the day, nothing would make me happier than seeing how far some absolute tosh I had made up could go. Whilst in Rock Kitchen, Manchester, I had someone tell me in all honesty that he knew for absolute fact that Fightstar had a table reserved in the corner of the room and they would be coming in after a gig. A wonderful story I had started spreading only 2 hours before. To have it recounted to me by a complete stranger was quite satisfying and strangely moreish. Whilst at university, I sent out a load of flyers to the various halls of residence in the area telling them the new rules concerning moving out at the end of term. Seeing bags of rubbish being left outside the security office on my way home made me hopeful that in some of the rooms there were bowls of vinegar to ‘reduce the smell of tobacco’ and lots of missing light bulbs that had to be removed due to ‘health and safety reasons’.

In light of recounting past glories and Mike Skinner’s tweeting, I’ve begun to wish I was famous just so I could take advantage of the fact that everything I say could be misconstrued as the truth. Even if I eventually ‘fessed up that everything I had said was complete bilge, I would probably still see my face in the tabloids with a headline declaring that a heavy period of drugs an alcohol has left me doubting myself. I don’t think enough celebrities do it aside from those that have to lie about why their latest film hasn’t been shown to the press before release.

Those that come to mind include:

• I give Linsey Lohan legal advice.
• I’m in talks with Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer to make Mr Toad’s Wild Ride a 4 hour CGI epic starring Steven Seagal.
• I am the Walrus.
• I will have my first homosexual experience with Colin Farrell during the halftime of the Superbowl. At the climax of the act I would cry out the name of my favourite brand of soft drink. Would it be Pepsi or Cola? Who knows, but there would be only one way to find out.
• Any other celebrity that died I would immediately say that they were a big influence on me and the world is a sadder place without them regardless of their talent, their history or disturbing collection of tiny shoes in the attic
• I was in a remake of Shaft due to be filmed in Walford.
• I was giving the young woman in my car directions…with my penis.
• Colin Farrell has begun to stalk me. Apparently our time together during the Superbowl awoke something in him.
• I’ve come to believe that Jesus was a lizard who will one day return to tell us the one true religion and it’s not what you thought it was. I will interview him for E! network.
• I am Colin Farrell.
• My wife will have an operation that will allow us to show the gestating of our first child through fibre optic cameras via livefeed on the internet.

Keep your eyes peeled to the red tops.