The Wii console has become a bit of a cash cow since its inception. Its innovative interactive games have become a staple of family gatherings, Christmas and funerals. Its beauty is in its simplicity. Everyone can pick up a wiimote (Oh, I get it!) and be playing before you know it. Sure it is not like its cousins; PS3 and XBOX. Its graphics aren’t as smooth, its games catalogue somewhat limited, and, sometimes, when it call round to call its cousins they would pretend to be out or feign rigamortis till it got the message and left.
Then something went horribly wrong. Someone at Ubisoft decide that the family demographic wasn’t good enough. No, to truly make literal bags of money, the Wii needs to aim its sights at a newer more virile market. Forget your Greys, no you need to go for the people who like to stick wiimotes in any open orifice market.
In this ad for Ubisoft’s We Dare, we’re taken on a journey of sexy sexiness that can now be provided through Nintendo’s little white box.
With a backing track that sounds like a Doom level set in a brothel and an attempt to come across as sleek and glamorous, We Dare appears to be nothing more than a series of parlour games that could be played any numbers of ways other than what’s been shown.
But by Christ, they try hard to make you think otherwise. Take Jason Biggs here who spends the entire time looking a man who has been trying to get his wife into an orgy for some time now and, finally, FINALLY has the chance to do so thanks to Ubisoft.
If you ignore the ‘fun’ that’s going on, you’re suddenly distracted by the coldness of some the protagonists faces. Look into the eyes of this hapless feck.
They’re deadened not only from the knowledge of her husband’s soon to be infidelity but the understanding that, once again, it will be down to her to tidy away the body parts when this whole sorry affair reaches it’s inevitable bloody conclusion.
The reality is that most people who will even consider this titillating are middle aged couples whose thoughts of copulation are mulled over whilst peeling the sprouts for Sunday dinner and often involve several other like minded people.
Warning: This episode of Ad’s All Folks contains images that some may find disturbing.
Fear in adverts is nothing new. It’s used for everything you buy.
Why did you put on deodorant today? Because you didn’t want to smell. Why? Well, if you smell then people won’t come near you, not even Sarah, that sweet girl you meet every morning at the coffee machine. You know the one. Always laughs at your jokes, eyes sparkling like a galaxy, breasts like the front lights of a land rover. Soon you’ll become a social outcast with only your cats for company. And eventually, even they will prefer to lick their genitalia more than usual in a vain effort to escape the crusty, bottom of the sea bed smell emitting forth from the vast hairy holes you call armpits. Ooh, you dirty, smelly boy! Bad boy! Go to your room, you social fuck up.
See… Fear.
Fear is best used those in an advert if it’s convincing you that something is bad for you. However, most ad execs are aware that they are up against an indifferent population who, soon as seeing an anti-smoking ad, will jam their fingers in their ears and go lalalalalalalalalalaalalalalalalalala whilst marching to the back door to have a cig.
So, some come to the conclusion that you need to shock your audience. Grab them by the balls and make them lick those dirty lungs. Hold them. Squeeze them. Stop smoking your bastards or you’ll die!
A tad strong? Then you’ve never seen how the Australians do it. They are the second most terrifying country when it comes to adverts.
The first examples of Australia using Eli Roth style finger wagging were the adverts produced by the Transport Accidents Commission or TAC. These adverts went out of their way to show you the worse possible scenario of everything vehicular based.
Hey! Stop dicking around in cars or I make Hostel 3: Electric Boogaloo!
Take this example of the extras of Round the Twist getting up to some tomfoolery on the way back from a Kylie Minogue gig or whatever it was that Australians did back in the 90s when they weren’t getting undercuts or perms.
Then there’s this one where a group of men convince their mate to have another beer before driving home. Oh you crazy guys, what’s the worse that can happen.
Well, okay, apart from that.
The problem I have with this advert is that I’m pretty sure that straight after that phone call they all had another drink in memory of their mate before getting in their cars and driving home. I call it the vicious TAC circle!
And that was the problem, the adverts become parodies of themselves. People began chatting about them over the water cooler in the same way one would talk about the latest horror film. The TACs polystematic approach wasn’t working. Hell, there was even a pop song about them by Australia’s answer to Slipknot, TISM.
Soon the adverts began to tone down their grisly foreplay and more subtle uses of wordplay and overtly smug men were put forward.
So, where do you go from there. Well WorkSafe Victoria decided to have a go. WorkSafe Victoria is a government initiative to encourage safety at work. How to put that message across? Subtlety? What’s more subtle than this?
See, subtle. And there’s half a dozen of these. From man throws pan of hot water over his head in kitchen to woman takes thumb off with bread slicer. All of them designed to shock, stay in the memory and make you fear even picking up a pencil before asking your boss what to do.
So aware are WorkSafe of the impact their horror porn makes, they even rolled out one this christmas that made you almost will injury upon a man despite him having a happy loving family.
Oh no! Where is he? Has he inadvertently welded his face to a pigeon? Dipped his todger in tar? Press play if you dare…
So why squinty in the previous ad will never be able to watch another 3D movie again, we’re made to realise that the true meaning of Christmas is to not to kill yourself in an industrial accident.
Merry Christmas everyone.
No?
Oh, you want this don’t you?
There you go. You sadist.
Oh and if you’re wondering why I said Australia are the second worse country, it’s because I need to introduce you to Thai Insurance ads.
Happy new year everybody!
Next week on a very special episode of Ad’s All Folks, Idiot Box helps his friend get some perspective on their itchy flaky scalp by taking them to a burns unit.
It’s been reported in the Daily Star, The Telegraph and even on a website in India, Lady GaGa is to appear in Doctor Who!
Except…
Except, she’s not is she? This is the least feasible story ever and feels like someone has just taken me up on my Doctor Who Press Release kit. Gareth Roberts has appeared in the July Issue of Doctor Who Magazine discussing his latest script for the show which is due to co-star James Corden. Discussing his previous draft for the upcoming ep, Roberts suggested that the script may one day resurface as Big Finish project (a series of audio plays starring the 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th Doctors) or Lady GaGa doing it because she’ll need the work.
The brilliant/face palm thing is that the Daily Star et al have taken his exact quote and, despite it reeking of sarcasm even when separated from the rest of the interview, have reported it as absolute FACT! With a capital F and a capital ACT and a lowercase arse.
From the Daily Star:
The star, 24, has already sported costumes which resemble Cybermen, Yeti, Ood and Tree People.
And scriptwriter Gareth Roberts revealed he has already come up with a storyline that would see The Doctor (Matt Smith, 27) go GaGa.
Gareth told Doctor Who magazine: “The script might end up on screen one day with Lady GaGa, who will have fallen on hard times.”
In a way it’s fantastic. Right down to pointing out that Lady GaGa dresses weirdly and, ergo, should be in Doctor Who. As they suggest, she could be a Cyberman, Yeti, Ood or a horrific, highly popular, more-iconic-than-the-Daleks, Tree Person…
Ah yes, the Tree People, a race of trees that resemble people, or are they people that resemble trees? Truly that is the mystery of their race. Either way, they burn up a treat. It’s fair to say that whoever wrote the article thought ‘’Ang on! There were tree people in that episode with Billie Piper. Lady GaGa looks like a twig. Yeah, I’ll whack that down’.
So, if you’re a blogger looking for info on this story or a tabloid hack, please allow me to be one of many to tell you that you are talking arse.
(I am very aware that there is a good chance that I could be misquoted and later this week you will see the headline, Lady GaGa to Play Talking Arse.)
Warning: The following article contains spoilers to the shows Ashes to Ashes and Lost.
So, it’s the start of a new week and the end of two popular sci-fi shows. Namely Lost and Ashes to Ashes. Both have spent several series layering twist and turn upon twist and turn till everything came out a bit twisty and turny. Like the scoreboard from new faces.
And how did they both resolve their storylines? With a big dollop of death.
Nothing like death to trim a few storyline threads you’ve got hanging off your immaculate story suit which was made by the story tailor in story lane in story town…
I’m drifting.
In the case of Ashes to Ashes, Alex discovered that she had been dead since she was shot trying to save her daughter in series one and that Gene, a 45 year misogynist who turned out to be the spirit of a 19 year old copper, was simply there to guide her from this life to the next. All rather touching and guessed by pretty much the entire fan community, most of whom will have had their grannies down as a wager as soon as John Simm’s monologue was over Life on Mars.
Lost also went for the death motif by suggesting that a number of scenes in the final series were in fact the main characters reliving their lives in a style of their choosing before going over to the other side. Apparently, when you die you’ll be able to relive the favourite moments of your life. Even if that moment is being stuck on an island with a shadowy organisation, polar bears, no way of escaping and only the prospect of eating Hurley to give you comfort.
Both finales have been met with the usual ‘OMG!!1 IT WAZ MAZING’ vs ‘I could write better. I have already written a 12 page synopsis which I have sent to the BBC in the hopes that they will sit up and take notice’.
Angry Ashes to Ashes fans seem to be upset primarily because they had already predicted the ending back in series 2 and certain Lost fans are grumbling because they didn’t predict how the show was going to end. So, it’s really turned into one of those ‘dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t’ moments.
This all in all makes you feel a bit sorry for Steve Moffat. In a month’s time, the new showrunner will be placing the final two episodes of his first series of Doctor Who at our feet and hoping we don’t kick him whilst he’s down there kneeling.
Whilst a few papers *cough* Daily Mail *cough splutter* have been more than vocal about this latest series of Doctor Who, it’s worth noting that overall it’s been pretty consistent. Steve, like RTD before him, has made some bold choices in terms of directors, writers and actors. Yes, with Rory on board the TARDIS, it does seem like it’s in danger of becoming Scooby Doo, but it is holding together despite the prospect of James Cordan on the horizon.
So, with the Pandorica still to be opened, Rory and Amy yet to be married and the crack in time getting ever bigger is Moffat going to be able to end it all satisfactorily? Not a snowball chance in Hell. Whatever he has written will not be good enough to the over-zealous fan boy, who will take great pleasure in letting everyone else know how the story should have ended. Despite RTD and Moffet being very open about how they collaborated on a few ideas before the series started so that it could be linked with last years specials, there will be cries of ‘RESET’ and ‘Doctor Who 1963-2010’ when the final credits roll. Some fans will blame Karen Gillan’s legs whilst others will lament that it hasn’t been the same since Adric died. Some fans will be hated and crucified for loving the finale and those who hated it will be treated the same. Some will convoluted ideas about how the DoctorDonna should break through his dimension with Rose in tow and help the 11th Doctor. Some fans are just born idiots.
So, can I put forward the thesis that we end the war now and save millions of lives. When it’s all said and done, let’s just be happy that we’re that little group of 8-80 year olds who take 45 minutes of their lives each week to enjoy some escapism and, though sometimes the execution can be a little bit off-kilter, the heart and the imagination is still there as it was with Hartnell, Pertwee, Troughton and Baker.
I’m 29 going on thirty
I know that I’m naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I’m sweet
And willingly I believe
Oh , 29, 29, 29, tweeeeeeenty nine. In a year’s time, I’ll be 30. Then before you know it, I’ll be dead.
Oh, I’m sorry readers (all two of you), I shouldn’t really start off in such a depressive tone this close to the start of the weekend, but it’s all John Lewis’ fault really. Their latest ad campaign has been described ‘an empowerment of women’, ‘breathtaking’, and ‘original’. Truth be told, I find it maudlin and depressing. I like my ads to be light hearted and witty. Something akin to Cadburys and their minute and a half of joy adverts.
However, like some fashionista grim reaper, John Lewis fast-forwards through the life of a nameless woman from the cradle to the grave (Okay, so not completely to the grave, but she does, at least, have one well tailored foot in the grave). All the while, another easily exchangeable Mr Potato Head with designer stubble and a guitar warbles through a Billy Joel hit. It’s like watching Kate Winslet in The Reader. Except with less Nazis. After the full minute and a half is over, I’m weeping into a bottle of red wine and pondering the futility of existence. A gorilla playing the drums this isn’t.
As for being original, well, I leave it to this advert for Italian fashion company, Calzedonia, which goes someway to showing that are no more original ideas.
