The internet is a dangerous thing. Just asked Pete Townshend. However, what makes it more dangerous is having the misguided idea that because your child knows how to use the internet, then she should be allowed to use the internet.
Jessi Slaughter is an 11 year old child who has learnt the hard way that using the internet to broadcast how awesome you are is about as socially gratifying as making friends with Gary Glitter. Jessi AKA Kerligirl13, like many other users of youtube, had her own channel where she broadcasted all the stimulating, stored up knowledge that was coming out of her brain like a monkey punching through a wet paper bag. Mummy and Daddy meanwhile didn’t seem to care.
Jessi also published pictures of herself on the internet which were a tad, lets say, dodgy. Mummy and Daddy probably rolled their eyes and uttered ‘what is to be done with this child of ours?’
The photos started doing the rounds and a number of people on a certain forum put John Gabriel’s Internet Dickwad Theory to the test and began to send her comments on her youtube channel and, in one case, even go her telephone number. Mummy and Daddy must have been trying to catch up on the last series of 24 at the time. Obviously, if they hadn’t been they would have put an internet amnesty on the household.
Jessi responded to the ‘byatches’ that had been ‘dissing’ her by talking like a valley girl and releasing a video answering her critics.
Mummy and Daddy were completely ignorant to her ‘Put a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushee’ and ‘get AIDS and die’ comments. Had they seen the video I’m sure they would have put their foot firmly down. They may have even sat her down and explained that you don’t need to grow up so quickly nor act like Katy Perry in drama school. Maybe they would have said ‘Here’s a Barbie, go play!’.
A war of words began between 11 year old Jessi and, basically, the entire internet. Finally… FINALLY Mummy and Daddy noticed that their precious little ankle biter was upset and, during a video that would make Chris Crocker blush, Daddy let his feelings be known.
Yep, the internet is the real problem. They dun goofed up. It’s got nothing to do with parents failing to do their duty and protect their child. No, the real bad guy is broadband. Now, I’m not justifying a bunch of anons ganging up on a kid, but the fact it had to get this far for their parents to do anything is staggering. Does Daddy know about the photos of his daughter which will be doing the round sin some unsavoury circles? Probably not and if he did, it’ll probabaly be the fault of Kodak.
So, there we have it. Child pretends to be an adult, gets dissed and returns to being a child. Story over.
Except…
Except, a few hours later Jessi was back on Twitter encouraging people to come chat with her online.
Last year, he was a tad sick on another man’s shoe…
This year, it could be a little bit better.
Yep, it’s that time of year when I dust off my running shoes and makes promises to myself that I’m going to do 5k every week and then I don’t because I’m working or eating pizza or sitting down. Then I get to the starting line, fail to do any form of warm up and run off into the crowd pretending I actually know what I’m doing. Next thing you know I’m being overtaken by a man dressed as the Honey Monster, but I’m at least being given the thumbs up by Clint Boon as he bops on his XFM sponsored float.
So, why not make it worth my while and help me raise money for the Alzheimer’s Society.
Now, the science bit. Listen carefully… (See what I did there? I hit those cultural phenomenoms at their peak)
Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and totally secure. Your details are safe with JustGiving – they’ll never sell them on or send unwanted emails. Once you donate, they’ll send your money directly to the charity and make sure Gift Aid is reclaimed on every eligible donation by a UK taxpayer. So it’s the most efficient way to donate – I raise more, whilst saving time and cutting costs for the charity.
Hands up anyone who doesn’t think this advert is just a giant euphemism for stopping your girlfriend/boyfriend from finding out you visit www.spankinggirlswithaspatula.com?
In what must be the biggest example of misplaced optimisim, Bruce Willis has let slip that they’re planning a Die Hard 5. Totalfilm.com reported that Bruce is:
I don’t want to sound disrepectful, but Life Free or Die Hard (aka Die Hard 4.0), was the worse decision made since that guy failed to stand up in the offices of Lucas Arts and cry ‘George! Seriously! No one wants a prequel. Especially not one based on tax exemptions and trade disputes. You’re kidding yourself you beardy git!’.
I have nothing against sequels to movies and, in some polite social circles, I can even justify the existence of the Crystal Skull, but there is one major problem with Live Free… that left me cold, unable to enjoy the film and unabel to truly love again. Okay, two problems if you take into account the sudden racism John McClane developed towards Asian people. That said, my massive problem is that he takes on a F-35 Lightning stealth plane and wins with nothing more than his cardiovascular training…
Where else can you take John McClane after this? What superhuman powers could he now possess? Some suggestions for Mr Willis:
He gives a whale a wedgie
He punches out a train
He wrestles the whole of China
He slaps a gorilla with his left testicle, leaving the gorilla to suffer a stroke before finally shagging the gorilla’s wife
I just don’t know. And I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think the guys in Hollywood know either.
Lying on the ground of Hampstead Heath, staring at the stars, in complete defiance of the traditional act of dogging normally found the Heath, the Doctor and, new non-Rose companion, Amy Pond choose their next adventure… It’s a simple start to an advert that wears its budget on its sleeve. Lots of swirly colours, floating Daleks and grinning creatures ensure that those in the audience wearing 3D glasses are in for an awe inspiring 40 seconds. Okay, so showing a 3D advert on the BBC to advertise the new series of its flagship show on a medium often associated with being quite flat did give the whole proceedings an air of watching Jaws 3D when the shark explodes, but it was still an opportunity to see more of Matt Smith as the new Doctor.
But what do the fans think? Well, not a lot really. There are already cries of it not fitting into Doctor Who continuity. A 45 year old poster has spoken on behalf of the 8-15 year old target audience decrying the trailer as nothing but tosh. So angry was he, that he had no time for spelling or grammar.
And thank God he did speak out against this 40 second piece of propaganda. It’s been widely known amongst the fan community that since its reboot, Doctor Who has been purposely morphed from its traditional adult themes of time travel and robot dogs, to something resembling a family show aimed squarely at everyone outside of the continuity picking bracket. As a Doctor Who fan myself, I find it tough to swallow the BBC’s incessant need to distance itself from thought provoking drama and pour money into a show that may as well be called Queer As Folk series 3. The special effects are shoddy, the acting appalling and, in some cases, it all comes across a little too cheesy and childish. The following is just a number of instances where in the last five years, Russell T Davies has pissed on the corpse of William Hartnell. I only present them here so Steven Moffett can learn from them and quickly amend any problems before the new series in March.
1) The 2009 episode ‘Robot’ found the Doctor and his companion Sarah Jane (God when will we see the last of her!), taking on the might of a giant robot. The worse part about this whole episode are the special effects. How are we supposed to realistically accept that Sarah Jane has been kidnapped by a Robot when she’s clearly CGI. If I wanted to cry at a bunch of 1s and 0s, I’d watch fucking Avatar.
2) Russell ran a competition on Blue Peter for one lucky winner to design a bad guy for Doctor Who. The winning result was this:
Eventually played by Alan Carr, this episode served to show that Russell had completely lost the plot.
3) With a new doctor came a new outfit and it wasn’t long before the fans were in a fevered rage only reserved for Gary Glitter and war. The image below shows how RTD’s gay agenda was in full effect. In a style that was later dubbed ‘geek chic’, the Doctor looked every inch the kind of person who appreciates the work of Van Gogh… If you catch my meaning.
Ooh, hello Mary!
4) Russell was well known for trying to be overtly politically correct and this was never more obvious than in this clip taken from 2005’s Talons of Weng Chiang.
Fuck off Russell, you Guardian reading ponce!
5) David Tennant’s portrayal of the Doctor took a battering over the last few years and quite rightly so. As we see in this trailer for 2007’s The Time Meddler, David chooses to portray the Doctor as a crotchety old man who fumbles his lines! A long way away from the train punching Doctor we hardcore fans have come to love. Where’s the moodiness? Where’s the darkness? We expected more! Heck, we deserved more.
6) Another example of Russell’s need to inject his lifestyle into the show can be seen in the opening sequence. Look hard enough and you’ll see the Doctor wink. Wink, for Christ’s sake. We all know the kind of people who like to wink. The same kind of people who like to read the Daily Mail in the dark… If you catch my meaning.
7) Finally, just when we thought it safe, RTD gave us the 10th Doctor’s final episode. And what a mess it was. The entire thing was set on Earth, John Simm returned as the Master for what could quite possibly be the campest portrayal of the criminal genius and to add insult to injury, how did the doctor die? Not in the hail of bullets we would have all liked that’s for sure. Instead, RTD’s constant hints of ‘The Doctor falls off a satellite’ turned out to be nothing more engrossing than the Doctor falling off a satellite.
Steve, if you have any ounce of dignity, you’ll listen to the fans, take note of the points above and give us a Doctor we want. One that justifies why we argue with 16 year old kids on forums whilst our wives file for divorce.
