Last year, he was a tad sick on another man’s shoe…
This year, it could be a little bit better.
Yep, it’s that time of year when I dust off my running shoes and makes promises to myself that I’m going to do 5k every week and then I don’t because I’m working or eating pizza or sitting down. Then I get to the starting line, fail to do any form of warm up and run off into the crowd pretending I actually know what I’m doing. Next thing you know I’m being overtaken by a man dressed as the Honey Monster, but I’m at least being given the thumbs up by Clint Boon as he bops on his XFM sponsored float.
So, why not make it worth my while and help me raise money for the Alzheimer’s Society.
Now, the science bit. Listen carefully… (See what I did there? I hit those cultural phenomenoms at their peak)
Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and totally secure. Your details are safe with JustGiving – they’ll never sell them on or send unwanted emails. Once you donate, they’ll send your money directly to the charity and make sure Gift Aid is reclaimed on every eligible donation by a UK taxpayer. So it’s the most efficient way to donate – I raise more, whilst saving time and cutting costs for the charity.
Writing a blog can be a tiresome affair. You get yourself all pent up to write something and then something else will get in the way, such as Xboxes breaking, discussing film references in Doctor Who with your siblings and just generally sitting down. As I write this off my own back for next to no award, it’s hard to get into the writing groove and easier to just be lethargic. Thank heavens for Ant and Dec and the Wii Fit campaign and inspiring me to start taking care of myself.
For those of my readers who may be too young to know who Ant and Dec are, they’re the equivalent of Holly Willoughby and Fern Cotton except without all the breasts getting in the way. They brought the country together during that terrible period that was the 90s through little more than a cheeky wink, an insatiable desire to getting ready to rumble and, earlier this month, helping the public to lynch Katie Price/Jordan/Tits McGee/insufferable oompa loompa impersonator with the stupid voice (delete as required). With numerous TV shows, award winning songs and HD Ready foreheads, it’s amazing they were never snatched up by Nintendo sooner.
After an initial campaign designed to show how in touch the Geordie twosome are with both reality and the wares of Nintendo, the run up to Christmas has treated us to numerous ads showing them popping up to meet members of the public and discuss their love of Wii (Snarf, snarf! I’ve made it sound like they’re talking about piss. I’m hilarious). I’m the first to snort at meeting the public in ads. Often because it’s quite obvious that the members of the public we meet responded to an ad in The Stage. This time round I’m quite happy to believe Ant and Dec truly are meeting the unwashed masses. Merely because they’re so uninspiring. None of your envirofone crucible of cheeky chappy demographics here, no siree*. Each person that’s been brought up before the chucklesome pair has been about as painful as a kick in the scrotum by Alex Reid. Staring down the camera lens like a rabbit staring down the barrel of a gun, they monotonously tell us why the DS lite works for them, or how the Wii has kept their marriage working etc… In all honesty, I tend not to remember much of what they say as I find I often black out and wake up to find myself bleeding from the eyeballs.
You’re probably wondering how the Wii Fit campaign fits into this. Relax, it’s Christmas. We’re getting there.
The Wii Fit ad has all the hallmarks of lazy targeting. Oh to have been there in the marketing offices of Flyster, Shyster and Fuckem on the day they put this together.
‘So, who likes to use Wii Fit?’
‘People who don’t realise that the Wii is a horrendous gimmick that should have died a death quicker than the Atari Jaguar.’
‘Aaaaand?’
‘Louise Redknapp.’
‘Why?’
‘Because she’s a woman?’
‘Correct. And why as woman would she use Wii Fit?’
‘Because all women think they’re fat! And men never do.’
‘Exactly!’
So, off trundle Ant and Dec to the nearest Weight Watchers club with Wii Fit in hand. They do their best to flirt with the ladies. Even if it does involve Dec simulating shagging the invisible man. After the cheeky banter, the cross examining begins with probing questions like ‘Do you find using Wii Fit fits into your normal routine?’. To which one gun staring bunny replies, Yes. Her reasoning being that she likes to keep fit but doesn’t like all that jumping around nonsense. You know the thing she’s talking about. Cardio. The thing that’s good for your heart. No, none of that hippy clap trap for her. She does the yoga simulator on Wii Fit because it’s gentle. Wii Fit breeds complacency it appears. When put effort into exercise when you can just pose like a tit in your living room.
So, when faced with this evidence it becomes apparent that if I allow myself to continue being lethargic, then I too could end up like her. All monotonous voice and large thighs. So, thank you, Ant and Dec. If it wasn’t for you, this article would never have been written.
*I really can’t stand that advert. That fucking WONGA idiot talking like Loadsamoney. It’s all so tacky. The amazing thing is that it could have been even tackier. Watch the following and glimpse into a world where Prince Harry became King.
Whilst searching for information about the new 15 certificate version of Bruno, I stumbled across the pbbfc.co.uk. No, not the BBFC, but the PBBFC. Funded by the BBFC, the website aims to inform parents about what happens in films such as Harry Potter, Transformers and other films that are out at the cinema and on DVD.
The idea is you bung your chosen film in, click and HUZZAH! You’re faced with a brief synopsis and a rundown of certain scenes that contain sex, violence or swearing. Having looked up the Jonas Brothers 3D Experience, I’m now safe in the knowledge that whilst we see a young girl hyperventilating at the very thought of seeing the mop topped village of the damned; she’s ultimately shown to be okay. Phew! I’m also reliably informed that the violence in Transformers is strong but involves robots. So that’s alright. It’s like having a teacher attentively try and explain what the film Deep Throat is about.
I could quite easily mock this site, but I think it’s a fantastic idea. I, for one, am tired of going to 12a certificate movies that come with a commentary of children crying at the sight of Megan Fox’s cleavage. Though to be fair, I appreciate the problems parents have. Since its conception, the 12a certificate has always been coloured battleship grey. Just because the film in question is aimed at kids, doesn’t mean there won’t be a chance of someone saying ‘fuck’. Look at Hancock. So, in light of this, it’s no surprise that website has arisen and started the work of scraping the scales from our eyes.
The only thing that does disappoint me is that the site feels the need to explain how 18 certificates work on games. Does this really need to be explained? What makes mum and dad think that the certificates are any different from those of the big screen?
Are there really parents out there right now in HMV clutching a copy a Dead Space pondering, ‘Little Suzie loved Peggle… And this says it’s got puzzle elements to it… I wonder’.
Well, in case there is… Slow down turtle neck. To save you the money you will inevitably have to spend on therapists to get Suzie to sleep and eat solids again, listen up to my handy hints on spotting a game that is not suitable for the younger child. For today’s lecture, I shall be using the aforementioned Dead Space.
Definately NOT Peggle...
1) It has the word ‘dead’ in the title. A word often not associated with Barbie, the Wiggles, Lazy Town and other joyful things that make Suzie’s life so innocent and pure. So… Think on.
2) A severed arm floating in space is the motif of the box art. Taking this on board it’s a good chance that Sportacus will not be making an appearance any time soon. Yes, you’ve explained to Suzie what happened to that woman’s arm on Cbeebies, but this really isn’t the same thing.
3) Move your eyes to the left hand corner at the bottom. See a white box? Does it have an 18 in it? This is an 18 certificate. Not sure? Go to Blockbuster and rent out Deliverance, Pulp Fiction and Hostel. Watch them back to back. See what an 18 is now? You’re a step away from buying Little Suzie £20 worth of drugs, hillbilly sodomy and slashes to the back of the ankle!
You’ve picked up a game unsuitable for children. Put it down and move away from the shelf. PHEW! That was close!
The PBBFC is great idea but it troubles me that we still have to explain 18 certificates to those over the age of 18.
