It wants to be The Birds. It really does. It dresses up as The Birds when no one is home and acts out scenes; throwing it’s cape and wings into the closet when it hears its parents coming in. Every day it falls asleep crying. Large, painful, soul destroying sobs lamenting the fact it will never be The Birds….
Or even a good film.
The internet is a dangerous thing. Just asked Pete Townshend. However, what makes it more dangerous is having the misguided idea that because your child knows how to use the internet, then she should be allowed to use the internet.
Jessi Slaughter is an 11 year old child who has learnt the hard way that using the internet to broadcast how awesome you are is about as socially gratifying as making friends with Gary Glitter. Jessi AKA Kerligirl13, like many other users of youtube, had her own channel where she broadcasted all the stimulating, stored up knowledge that was coming out of her brain like a monkey punching through a wet paper bag. Mummy and Daddy meanwhile didn’t seem to care.
Jessi also published pictures of herself on the internet which were a tad, lets say, dodgy. Mummy and Daddy probably rolled their eyes and uttered ‘what is to be done with this child of ours?’
The photos started doing the rounds and a number of people on a certain forum put John Gabriel’s Internet Dickwad Theory to the test and began to send her comments on her youtube channel and, in one case, even go her telephone number. Mummy and Daddy must have been trying to catch up on the last series of 24 at the time. Obviously, if they hadn’t been they would have put an internet amnesty on the household.
Jessi responded to the ‘byatches’ that had been ‘dissing’ her by talking like a valley girl and releasing a video answering her critics.
Mummy and Daddy were completely ignorant to her ‘Put a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushee’ and ‘get AIDS and die’ comments. Had they seen the video I’m sure they would have put their foot firmly down. They may have even sat her down and explained that you don’t need to grow up so quickly nor act like Katy Perry in drama school. Maybe they would have said ‘Here’s a Barbie, go play!’.
A war of words began between 11 year old Jessi and, basically, the entire internet. Finally… FINALLY Mummy and Daddy noticed that their precious little ankle biter was upset and, during a video that would make Chris Crocker blush, Daddy let his feelings be known.
Yep, the internet is the real problem. They dun goofed up. It’s got nothing to do with parents failing to do their duty and protect their child. No, the real bad guy is broadband. Now, I’m not justifying a bunch of anons ganging up on a kid, but the fact it had to get this far for their parents to do anything is staggering. Does Daddy know about the photos of his daughter which will be doing the round sin some unsavoury circles? Probably not and if he did, it’ll probabaly be the fault of Kodak.
So, there we have it. Child pretends to be an adult, gets dissed and returns to being a child. Story over.
Except…
Except, a few hours later Jessi was back on Twitter encouraging people to come chat with her online.
So, lesson not learnt then.
It’s been reported in the Daily Star, The Telegraph and even on a website in India, Lady GaGa is to appear in Doctor Who!
Except…
Except, she’s not is she? This is the least feasible story ever and feels like someone has just taken me up on my Doctor Who Press Release kit. Gareth Roberts has appeared in the July Issue of Doctor Who Magazine discussing his latest script for the show which is due to co-star James Corden. Discussing his previous draft for the upcoming ep, Roberts suggested that the script may one day resurface as Big Finish project (a series of audio plays starring the 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th Doctors) or Lady GaGa doing it because she’ll need the work.
The brilliant/face palm thing is that the Daily Star et al have taken his exact quote and, despite it reeking of sarcasm even when separated from the rest of the interview, have reported it as absolute FACT! With a capital F and a capital ACT and a lowercase arse.
From the Daily Star:
The star, 24, has already sported costumes which resemble Cybermen, Yeti, Ood and Tree People.
And scriptwriter Gareth Roberts revealed he has already come up with a storyline that would see The Doctor (Matt Smith, 27) go GaGa.
Gareth told Doctor Who magazine: “The script might end up on screen one day with Lady GaGa, who will have fallen on hard times.”
In a way it’s fantastic. Right down to pointing out that Lady GaGa dresses weirdly and, ergo, should be in Doctor Who. As they suggest, she could be a Cyberman, Yeti, Ood or a horrific, highly popular, more-iconic-than-the-Daleks, Tree Person…
Ah yes, the Tree People, a race of trees that resemble people, or are they people that resemble trees? Truly that is the mystery of their race. Either way, they burn up a treat. It’s fair to say that whoever wrote the article thought ‘’Ang on! There were tree people in that episode with Billie Piper. Lady GaGa looks like a twig. Yeah, I’ll whack that down’.
So, if you’re a blogger looking for info on this story or a tabloid hack, please allow me to be one of many to tell you that you are talking arse.
(I am very aware that there is a good chance that I could be misquoted and later this week you will see the headline, Lady GaGa to Play Talking Arse.)
1) Be a furry.
2) Write a somewhat dubious story about Pokemon sex. Have it end up on Topless Robot as part of his Fan Fiction Friday. Click here for that. Please note: Said story is completely NSFW.
3) Upon discovering the story send an email to said website declaring yourself to be an amazing author. Make sure it’s badly written and starts off with WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS!
This will then lead to things like this:
and this:
CONGRATULATIONS! You will now have a meme sweeping the internet. At last count there were over 83 million hits on Google.com.
Epilogue: If you get chance, threaten to ban everyone from the site you usually write for. This will make sure the meme spreads further and gets talked about on little blogs like this. Click here for that.
Now, take a deep breath and answer me:
WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS!
Maybe, even, someone will even write a song.
*Author’s Note: I hope no one from Topless Robot minds me stealing these images. Just had to do my bit and spread the word.*
There's nothing wrong with me lovin' you....
I used to read a lot of fan fiction back in the day. My friend, going by the name Tyler Bateman, used to write a load of it and occasionally I would be a charector in the story. Nine times out of ten I was either dead or dying… Nice.
Anyway, I developed quite a fondness for the bad fiction. The toe curlers. The one’s where Chandler would commit suicide whilst listening to Marilyn Manson. You know, that kind of thing. I stopped a long time a go when Tyler stopped writing. Which is such a shame, because there are some fantastic bits of writing out there. Topless Robot has taken to finding those bits of fan fiction that don’t really scream classy.
What I want to present to you is one of those great bits of fan fiction. There is no real reason why this story exists. Maybe it was a dare. Maybe the author just has a really twisted imagination. Either way, god bless them.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce a Hogwarts/Giant Squid ‘shipper.
That’s right. Hogwarts lies back and thinks of England at the hands of a tentacled fiend. If the following quote intrigues you, then click on it for the full story.
Topless Robot have written a full commentary of the marine cephalopods lovefest and that can be found here.
Check TR out every friday for more hair raising tales of lust.
