So, this is it. 2010; the year Big Brother ended. What once was summer’s must-see TV event 10 years ago is now summer’s ‘I wonder who’s still in the house. Oh it’s him! I don’t like him. He needs to be voted out’ TV. The producers inviting ever more increasingly bizarre and mentally deficient people to join the roster of housemates all in a desperate attempt to garner new viewers.

To promote the final season of Big Brother, Channel 4 have put together an ad that brings together some of the most memorable housemates to stage a mock funeral for the Big Brother chair. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall when this was being filmed. The clash of egos and silicon must have only been rivalled in intensity by Mickey Rourke’s swansong smack-down in ‘The Wrestler’.

And to be fair, it works. If only for the testaments to arse-clenching constructed through the dancing of Nikki Graham and Nasty Nick.

He likes to move it, move it!

She likes to move it, move it! They like tooooooo MOVE IT!!!

So, aside from the rumours that 100 people will be whittled down to 13 on BB’s launch day, what can we expect from the show most people treat as the television equivalent of genital herpes. Idiot Box has put together 8 points to look forward to

  1. There will be at least one person who will say that they are ‘in yer face’ and/or ‘tell it like it is’. They will enter the house and turn out to be neither telling it like it is nor entering any sort of facial interactions. They will be gone by the 2nd week.
  2. The more obnoxious the housemate, the more the ‘yoof’ will declare them a victory of modern entertainment. Should the ‘yoof’ cry loud enough, Davina McCall will tweet about them regularly. Whether said housemate wins or not, they will adorn Heat magazine covers for centuries to come.
  3. A housemate will adopt a catchphrase that he or she thinks is catching on in the real world i.e. ‘Brrrrap!’, ‘Word my treacle’ or ‘Step up to me horse and call it Trigger, this a good brew’.
  4. All housemates will be declared as being ‘a fantastic housemate’ by McCall regardless of whether they’ve been a wallflower with all the personality of a brick in a coma (see point 1) or a Hitler-esque monkey mule with a penchant for pissing in people’s mouths.
  5. Two people will fall in love with each other. Theirs will be a timeless, undying love. Filled with passion, fire and spice.  It will not be a shameless attempt by two fame-hungry molluscs. Nah-uh.
  6. There will be at least one gay person who will set gay rights movement back by about 50 years.
  7. Someone will say in their VT they  don’t like immigrants.
  8. There will be an immigrant.